Hunger Pains

Hunger Pains

By: Tyler Ross

I know that you don’t see me,

but I love you still.

I’ve found my time is needy,

and I’m lacking the will.

To see outside of me

and my selfish ways.

We just pretend to be strong,

while caught up in our own waves.

Tumbling and crashing,

trying to take the reins.

Struggling and disconnecting,

feeding our own hunger pains.

I know that you don’t hear me,

but I love you still.

I’ve been working on myself,

trying to stabilize this commitment pill.

To know its hurting to see

and feel these words.

This distance isn’t just torture.

It’s crushing and for the birds.

Tumbling and crashing,

trying to take the reins.

Struggling and disconnecting,

feeding our own hunger pains.

Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

by: Tyler Ross

Still figuring out how to love myself.

I try to look deep down

and there’s a sadness 

affecting my health.

I know it’s there.

Love lost because I decided to

tear at my heart

Dared to part

with the warmest I’ve known

from my life’s start.

I fucking ruined what I had

because I was scared of my new home.

The sweetest love.

Ready, aimed and soared above

the unknown

out of my mind

and away from the ultimate love possibilities.

Accepted and protected,

I was.

Lost my second chance all because

I had it all and I dropped the biggest ball 

one can get in this life.

I feel antsy almost every night.

Tight in my chest and in my mind, 

alright?

You don’t leave my mental site.

And that’s all right.

I’ve tried and you always seem to be 

the brightest light. 

I’m still so far, 

so far from being.

From loving me again.

So I can fully love again.

Okay? 

I was wrong. So wrong.

You were right.

It’s time to say…

Good night. 

My own hell, I set.

I’ve still got so much regret.

Stuck in a life full of inner hurting debt.

Gambled. Lost it all the day I jet.

I’ve still got so much regret. 

I'M SO SORRY!

Back in time to the day we met.

Rewrite the day I left.

Distractions

Distractions

By: Tyler Ross

Feeding the rush of addiction

Honing in, the description

Another mission

Worm holed, goin’ fishin’

Troubled waters,

Richard Nixon.

Guilty and off the tracks

Listen up, face the facts

The will power you lack

Obsessing, no turning back

Caution tape snapped

Beyond, 

that’s a wrap

Too many thoughts,

Explosion

Under attack

Vision scattered all over the map

No cap

Hey normal, where ya at?

Consciousness is taking a nap

Distractions turned satisfactions

Primal reactions

Glued to rhythmic actions 

Until the beat stops

And shame spills from 

Inside out your lap

10 to 20 minutes

Then welcome back

Wipe, rinse, and repeat

Distraction complete

Reenter the world

From getting beat

Hey normal, where ya at?

I’d like to meet.

Frequent Flier Miles

Frequent Flier Miles

By: Tyler Ross

We took that ride home

got carried away.

We took that ride home

another day.

Lost in the clouds

and endless blue.

Down that path

where I hurt you.

Cost me more than just love.

A part of me died soaring above.

Back to California

without a clue.

Head frozen,

nothing new.

Stuck in reflection,

What do I do?

Nothing new.

Thoughts of you.

Oh, those thoughts of you.

Wish I really knew what to do.

Burrie Burrie Me

Burrie Burrie Me

By: Tyler Ross

Years and Years ago,

a restaurant

in the valley,

we chatted over food.

Superb.

A new friend.

Same University,

more ways to extend

our friendship grew roots.

Television shows and intelligent convos,

laughter and enjoyment kept us there.

So many smiles,

so much joy.

It was easy to be your friend,

even when I annoyed.

You liked me,

then I liked you.

That cycle went on,

even if I played like I didn't have a clue.

Life separated,

then life drew us back in.

Always easy to start back up,

through thick and thin.

You were there for me,

and I for you.

We bonded a lot.

Got closer over the years.

Sex came into our picture

and even more cheers.

You were the most thrilling,

intoxicating and

some trouble.

We started and stopped

and started and stopped.

Closer friends,

I liked you a lot.

But kept my cool.

I think you sorta knew.

Visits became less frequent,

even if I didn't want them to.

Whenever I saw you after,

still

heartbeats like crazy.

With lots of time to think,

fuck,

you got me,

amazing!

Thoughts of you all the time.

Headspace covered.

Devine.

Still, always on my mind.

Still, always on my mind.

Can't shadow your shine.

Only now I reflect,

wondering if we'll ever get back that time.
In my mind.

2017

2017

By: Tyler Ross

Hand over the phone, 

my thoughts are gathering 

and let me explain 

why I think my mind is scattering. 

Walking around with my face in my hands 

trying to understand 

why I have no plans. 

Friends are absent. 

I’m constantly forgotten. 

Just some facts 

that make waking up feel rotten. 

Some days I can barely exist. 

Frustrated with the world around me 

caught in its twist. 

Its constant struggle 

inside my head. 

Not understanding why 

most empathy is dead.

Nothing’s changing 

and I probably will be 

losing all patience and the hope left in me. 

Jaded more than I ever have been. 

The ego’s are too strong 

and bad behavior still wins. 

Some days I’d rather call it than have to deal 

or try to get involved with it. 

Its not for me nor will it ever be 

a place to see 20/20. 

Some days I wish I wouldn’t be.

The Middle Finger Acceptance

The Middle Finger Acceptance

by: Tyler Ross

I am temporary.

Easily forgotten.

A toy on and off the shelf.

Abandoned,

or

mislead.

The slow decline of health.

Mostly used.

More broken.

Can’t understand the unspoken.

The world still rotates on.

Little to no replies.

No one knows why I’m really dying inside.

Constantly feel like a bother.

Genuine or nice won’t suffice.

No one really seems to try.

Reciprocation absent, why?

No one really even says goodbye.

A reflection of many.

What a time to be alive,

as I feel my heart die,

I stick these middle fingers

deep into my eyes.

No more words,

drowning in the absurd.

May 25th, 8AM

May 25th, 8AM
by: Tyler Ross

We met over coffee
with limited time.
The roast was okay,
but your presence sublime.
A couple of delightful hours
zipped on by
and yet,
soon you had to fly.
Work was calling,
time to say goodbye.
Collected a couple moments
by film photo choice.
I left smiling
with wonder thinking
of the kindness in your voice.
Not enough day spent,
I selfishly thought.
Will we get more time,
or was this all we got?
Months have gone by
and still I smile
when thinking of you.
Happy when your name pops up
even if I've been blue.
I want to stand out.
Be a name to you.
See you again face to face.
Get to know the real you.
And fill in all this unknown space.
More time spent, which I chase.

A.P.C.

A.P.C.
By: Tyler Ross

Rapidly darting around inside my head,
are the thoughts of you.
Heavy with feeling,
I don't feel well.
I want to cry.
Seeing your life blossom
with love and bliss is beautiful,
yet I am asking myself why.
Why the hurt inside?
Why the shame?
You're gonna be a mum soon.
Nothing will be the same.
Only the greatest gain.
Something inside my brain
wants to add torturous bricks to my shoulders
and I feel like I'm under water.
Dying to breathe.
Dying to make this all go away.
I'm haunted by my thoughts,
the memories of you.
The things I wished were different.
The things I wish I didn't do.
I was younger and somewhat without a clue.
Who knew I'd be so blue,
while the Earth rotates on
and I turned into an outsider
watching you go on
to be the best mum,
girlfriend,
and a more lovely human being,
who grew up and proved me wrong.
I'll bury my head in tears to City & Colour
- "Casey's Song."

Not Everything Is Made Up

Not Everything Is Made Up

By: Tyler Ross

Umm… I’m sort of at a loss.

The moment you feel hindered

distance between a being you really dig

I pay the cost

too big to be lost.

When connection buzzes high,

I don’t want to walk on by

or smother its wings

when wanting to fly.

But embrace its beauty,

a vibing powerhouse

full of stellar continuity.

Naturally sparked on its own,

uniquely grown

and a bonus of happy tones.

Gravitating.

Magnifying.

Reflecting time.

Give me a sign!

A logical piece of mind.

When you get too close to a friend,

somehow its bad

these days

and you scare them in the end.

Fuck!

Damn.

I’m aware. 

Feeling annoyed.

Instincts must be broken

because I became outspoken 

decided to bend

and extend 

my interests beyond

this unique bond

and now I feel like I did wrong

when all I did was flow.

Please know

I really liked our flow.

Malibu

Malibu
By: Tyler Ross

There’s much to be said 

about the way the ocean reflects its sky. Wild colors 

and vibrant chaos blanket the tide, 

the sand, the rocks, and on the surface of eyes. 

It can soothe a person 

immensely with the first gaze and guide you 

to a place of peace with the fading of its sun’s rays.  

Intoxicated 

by untamed light, the golden illuminates strong 

and the crashing of the ocean plays Mother Nature’s song. 

Each set 

unique in its cast, 

yet the more photographs you manifest the more memorable it lasts. 

Unless it is you with the tranquil mind, 

vividly recording life one radiant atmospheric burst 

or seagull caw at a time. 

The choice to choose 

and what an array of views 

being surrounded by Malibu’s hues.

But Still I...

But Still I...
By: Tyler Ross

Nowadays I take long hot showers

staring into nothingness. 

Hoping the little water beams can reach

my wounded heart. 

I’ve done my part. 

And been a really good man. 

But we watch me suffer. 

A month goes by, 

an even better man than before. 

But we watch me suffer. 

I pour my heart. 

Reaching to pull me out of the drowning world

now which I live in but I am left in.

The water gets slightly warmer. 

My thoughts numb.

Almost hopeless. 

Never would I allow someone to go through this. 

Someone in which I’ve committed to loving most. 

It’s been maybe 40 minutes. 

Wasted water. 

Energy low. 

I want to come out of invisibility. 

A way to your heart and mind again. 

Be of high importance. 

I am worried. 

I am scared. 

No answers. 

No emotions really to show I’m still there. 

The shower stops. 

I towel myself off. 

I step out fresh. 

The day may show me I’m wrong. 

Show me I’m not on the end of what we were. 

I think of me being shown love again. 

The day moves on. 

More days move on. 

Not much changes. 

I hope. 

I love. 

I don’t understand. 

You’ve got it so perfect. 

But still we watch me suffer.

As You Are

As You Are

By: Tyler Ross

I’ll take you for a drive.

Like raindrops fall from raincoats;

like whispers leaving lips,

slowly away from fear of expectations.

I’ll be your guiding light,

a heartbeat to keep you safe at night.

Trust me as we lead,

to that place we used to meet

full of smiles filled with clarity.

To the rocket ship painted in dreams,

that was left for just you and me.

So come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Even if life could, I would never let you go, so

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I need you more this time.

Your happy crystal eyes

like hypnotic melodies mesmerize,

like waterfalls draped in greens,

soothing, bringing out the best in me.

Don’t take your precious time.

Life won’t wait, it’s such a crime

to be without water, when you’re the sunshine.

And even deeper, you’re always on my mind.

So journey with me to our place

where distractions don’t have what it takes

and the road is open wide.

I need you most in my life.

So,

come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I love you, it’s our time.

JH Kind Of View
By: Tyler Ross

One day you wrote me.
Then, you smiled so bright at me.
You were in a daze.
I had you laughing and acting so shy.
You liked me.
You wanted to know me.
We grew closer and were so lost in one another.
I liked you a lot.
Everything became illuminated.
When I saw your face, I melted.
I wanted you to be by my side.
You wanted that too.
So we did again and again.
We kissed in the airport and cried tears of joy.
You surprised me for the holidays.
The best surprise of my life.
We visited each other.
Some times, days were harder than others.
But we always wanted to see the bigger picture.
You came to work and to be with me for a long while.
It wasn't always easy given some troubles in my life and your issues too.
You got better and stronger for a time to try and help me.
I may haven't have showed it too much, but inside I was realizing the progress you were making and seeing more beauty bloom inside you.
You left to go back home and I struggle day in and day out.
Not a day goes by where I don't NOT wish that I was with you.
You're always on my mind.
I've poured my heart, mind and life into you.
I hope you still see me as the only man you want to grow older with and share a world so vast full of life ahead.
I miss you.
My head is swimming.
My heart is pushing its heavy depression.
I hope my trust isn't abused and I hope you know how much we've got to lose.
Wherever you are today, I'm thinking of you.
As I lay down in bed, still very in love with you.
I drift to sleep dreaming everything will continue to come true.

My Heart Is In Chemnitz

My Heart Is In Chemnitz

By: Tyler Ross

She makes the sun insecure by the way she glows.

chemically charging,

cosmically radiant, love grows and flows.

Day in and out,

her laugh, that smile

infectiously the most beautiful

graced with the coolest style.

She massages my heart with her mind

the most special of all-time.

She is home,

my best friend,

a one of a kind.

Many miles separate us for now, 

but our bond flourishes more.

She is the only heaven I believe in,

the only sea I wanna sail in for.

Forevermore.

Inside Out

Inside Out
By: Tyler Ross

He just stares into space,
feeling less day by day,
unsure about wanting to stay.
The skin he wears is uncomfortable.
His core compromised too many times,
and love lost by self-induced flames.
He remains exhausted from his mind,
and tired from time spent - failing,
not relating.
His world feels toxic, unfamiliar
and losing importance rapidly.
The very things that validate him
feel like they're alienating him.
Devalued.
Torn.
This isn't the life he signed up for.
A suicide note now means so much more.
Polluted.
Truly unappreciated,
he struggles to grasp a life once loved
and misses it very much.

Welcome To Earth 2014

Welcome To Earth 2014
By: Tyler Ross

Many ignored smiles.
Too much disrespect.
Too many unanswered calls.
Too many unanswered texts.

R.I.P. to empathy.
Poor communication.
You think your time has more value?
Too much time wasted with these situations.

Welcome to Earth 2014
You ain't no friend of mine.

I'm out.

Generation Kill

Generation Kill
By: Tyler Ross

It’s truly sad to witness and experience the state the world is in.

Communication is at an all-time low and not even at rock bottom.

What does that tell us?

Texting is the most popular form of conversing, next to the Internet.

Respect is lessening as much as empathy.

Entitlement, validation and selfishness overpower the public, which consumes this globe.

Women, race and gender still lack equality and acceptance inside many minds.
The planet is constantly in trouble, but I still see assholes toss trash out their car windows is just one example out of the thousands wrong.

Health care is absent from roll call yet again, all because the medical world of prescriptions drugs and private companies would take a major hit in revenue just for starters.

The school system is going through its run of the mill motions to please a bunch of shitty adults that have no real interest in these young minds, but to control.

There is learning to be done about the real world, but it isn’t being taught, instead algebra, gym, foreign languages are requirements.

Languages are important, but aren’t necessary depending on ones living situation. We should be educated to understand the way politicians speak, and beyond the constant battle of drug abuse.
Priority is backward.

Greed is still high.

The rich are still rich and the poor keep getting poorer, when they should flip flop every once in a while.
Balance may very well ensue and a more well rounded understanding too.

Ancient civilizations with less thrived more efficiently without all this junk and attitude, but with more at the tip of our fingers, we cling to constant feuds and controlling mentalities.

Honest, driven, compassionate and transparent people should be given more of a chance.

Nerdy kids are finally popular now that nerd culture is popular, which is nice to see, but even they too now have used the power to bully.

I don’t know why I wanted to write this all down.

I suppose I am feeling neglected and cheated in my life.

Most days I want out, but then I remember I have more to give.
Even if just once in a blue moon, it’s more love to another that might be suffering just like the heart of my own brother.
He’s great and I don’t understand the foolish ways he’s treated.

Why him too?

This world isn’t such a nice place.

It hasn’t been for centuries.

I feel more alone and I’ve realized no one feels a bit like me.

I’m not done…

Sad

Sad
By: Tyler Ross

Its 2am
and my sexual frustrations find me
masturbating on the toilet
feeling sorry for myself
because
I am a bummed out
sucker, who treated the girl he likes
a bit too nicely
or so it seems...
Now feeling the ignoring process
roll on through,
my mind reaches out
into the silence
for hope,
but my lonely libido
distracts and
numbs the hurt
for just a couple minutes
before
I start to miss her again.

Nice Girl

Nice Girl
By: Tyler Ross

In my mind, I’m not fine.
Seek me out, any time.
Erase the noise,

that keeps revisiting me.

Sow me up at my mouth.

Don’t give me reasons,

to laugh about.

I was happy no less than twelve hours ago.

In my mind, I was fine.
Reached on out, now I’m blind

stolen senses,

there’s a silence now living in you.

Build me up, break me down.

Give me little,

then you head on out.

I'm not sure what this all really means.

I gave you me,

You ate it up

I’m just bones left to dust.

I could have sworn

you wanted this like me.