Peanut

Peanut

By: Tyler Ross

Let’s take a walk together 

instead of being on the screen.

Remember how much fun

we would have exploring everything.

Stomachs happily full of sushi,

hearts so warm with love.

A city stroll up into the Chalet.

a souvenir keeper view from above.

Tearing up together in many theaters,

some coffees to stay awake.

Late night McDonald’s nuggies runs

Uncontrollable laughter

after counting each fry we’d take.

Writing letters, poems 

and great gift giving extraordinaire‘s 

Swimming together in Mexico 

then both rocking beautiful curly hair.

Eggs, breakfast potatoes 

and avocado slices galore

Maybe we can get a waffle,

brioche French toast 

or hit up the neighborhood stores.

You put your arms around me,

I put my arms around you.

You say you love me,

I say I love you too.

Wake me up with your kisses,

cuddle for five more minutes, please.

Wake you up with kisses on the couch

let’s dream together 

after you’re done talking in your sleep.

Ice cream ventures, plant obsessions and vintage finds.

Max relax’n on beaches, Lourdes burritos

and La Banquise lines.

Lovely double dates with Sean & Les

family get togethers and more.

Hiking as much as possible

and always finding new places to explore. 

Leaving love notes behind,

dangling our feet over Echo Park Lake.

Slow dancing to “Blonde On Blonde,”

massagies to feel good and fix our aches. 

Facetiming for hours. 

Doing impressions and laughing til it hurts.

Being each other’s ultimate best friend.

Late nights at Aux Vivres for dessert. 

Smiling brightly across every table,

Hugging cows, loving animals 

and Gentle Barn feeding stables.

Açaí bowls at home or out and about

Wherever we go together 

is the greatest route.

One Wish

One Wish

by: Tyler Ross

A day hasn’t gone by

or many minutes 

where you haven’t been

living beautifully in my mind.

Wish I could hit rewind

and like Groundhog Day,

relive those summer months.

How did I let these times go by,

not showing you

that you were first

and most important

of all-time?

As maturity & growth are excavated

in self-purgatory

and self-awareness leads way 

to mostly glory

I’m still reminded of the shitty parts

to our story

where I wasn’t the best you deserved

and I’m sitting watching you live life 

without me is absurd.

I really hate this.

Why did I create this?

I took a separate shot at space and time

and really really missed.

Only I have myself to be so pissed.

I daydream all the time 

about the life we should be living.

I want to quit so many things

given the second chance and you forgiving.

I don’t even recognize 

that foolish soul many months ago.

I hate that you don’t even see me now,

because of what you now know.

Give me a genie lamp

and I’ll only need the one wish.

I’ll prove to you forever

you’re the one I’m in love with.

Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

by: Tyler Ross

Still figuring out how to love myself.

I try to look deep down

and there’s a sadness 

affecting my health.

I know it’s there.

Love lost because I decided to

tear at my heart

Dared to part

with the warmest I’ve known

from my life’s start.

I fucking ruined what I had

because I was scared of my new home.

The sweetest love.

Ready, aimed and soared above

the unknown

out of my mind

and away from the ultimate love possibilities.

Accepted and protected,

I was.

Lost my second chance all because

I had it all and I dropped the biggest ball 

one can get in this life.

I feel antsy almost every night.

Tight in my chest and in my mind, 

alright?

You don’t leave my mental site.

And that’s all right.

I’ve tried and you always seem to be 

the brightest light. 

I’m still so far, 

so far from being.

From loving me again.

So I can fully love again.

Okay? 

I was wrong. So wrong.

You were right.

It’s time to say…

Good night. 

My own hell, I set.

I’ve still got so much regret.

Stuck in a life full of inner hurting debt.

Gambled. Lost it all the day I jet.

I’ve still got so much regret. 

I'M SO SORRY!

Back in time to the day we met.

Rewrite the day I left.

Burrie Burrie Me

Burrie Burrie Me

By: Tyler Ross

Years and Years ago,

a restaurant

in the valley,

we chatted over food.

Superb.

A new friend.

Same University,

more ways to extend

our friendship grew roots.

Television shows and intelligent convos,

laughter and enjoyment kept us there.

So many smiles,

so much joy.

It was easy to be your friend,

even when I annoyed.

You liked me,

then I liked you.

That cycle went on,

even if I played like I didn't have a clue.

Life separated,

then life drew us back in.

Always easy to start back up,

through thick and thin.

You were there for me,

and I for you.

We bonded a lot.

Got closer over the years.

Sex came into our picture

and even more cheers.

You were the most thrilling,

intoxicating and

some trouble.

We started and stopped

and started and stopped.

Closer friends,

I liked you a lot.

But kept my cool.

I think you sorta knew.

Visits became less frequent,

even if I didn't want them to.

Whenever I saw you after,

still

heartbeats like crazy.

With lots of time to think,

fuck,

you got me,

amazing!

Thoughts of you all the time.

Headspace covered.

Devine.

Still, always on my mind.

Still, always on my mind.

Can't shadow your shine.

Only now I reflect,

wondering if we'll ever get back that time.
In my mind.

A.P.C.

A.P.C.
By: Tyler Ross

Rapidly darting around inside my head,
are the thoughts of you.
Heavy with feeling,
I don't feel well.
I want to cry.
Seeing your life blossom
with love and bliss is beautiful,
yet I am asking myself why.
Why the hurt inside?
Why the shame?
You're gonna be a mum soon.
Nothing will be the same.
Only the greatest gain.
Something inside my brain
wants to add torturous bricks to my shoulders
and I feel like I'm under water.
Dying to breathe.
Dying to make this all go away.
I'm haunted by my thoughts,
the memories of you.
The things I wished were different.
The things I wish I didn't do.
I was younger and somewhat without a clue.
Who knew I'd be so blue,
while the Earth rotates on
and I turned into an outsider
watching you go on
to be the best mum,
girlfriend,
and a more lovely human being,
who grew up and proved me wrong.
I'll bury my head in tears to City & Colour
- "Casey's Song."

Love, Awareness & Communication

Love, Awareness & Communication

By: Tyler Ross

I wish more people cared about love; 

expressing it, sharing it and treating others as they would like to be treated. 

Simple, right? 

The human being makes it tougher than it really is 

by coming up with excuses or simply just not expressing it 

to those around them, seemingly most only expecting it. 

Its the year 2016 

and its insane 

to me that people haven’t figured this out already 

or refuse to just let their egos or delusional ways of thinking go. 

There is no excuse. 

Love is incredibly important and should be given 

more to everyone. Communicate responsibly 

and be aware of those around you. 

You don’t have to walk on eggshells 

or be overly sensitive… But people should want to give 

more and communicate better. 

Pay attention. 

Love. 

Love. 

Love.  

You & Life > Everything Else

You & Life > Everything Else

By: Tyler Ross

Everything

around me is losing color.

Life sucks without you

in it.

I'm focused on myself,

but

no matter how much

I get done

or

how much I try to continue

with my life,

I can't fully. 

No matter what came between us,

it's not enough to stop loving you. 

I haven't stopped 

and 

I won't

because I can't fake or force away

my feelings.

I am crying as I write this.

These tears come and go,

but they won't stop

and I know why. 

You were enough and then some.

Irreplaceable.

You were enough

and life sucks

without you in it.

As You Are

As You Are

By: Tyler Ross

I’ll take you for a drive.

Like raindrops fall from raincoats;

like whispers leaving lips,

slowly away from fear of expectations.

I’ll be your guiding light,

a heartbeat to keep you safe at night.

Trust me as we lead,

to that place we used to meet

full of smiles filled with clarity.

To the rocket ship painted in dreams,

that was left for just you and me.

So come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Even if life could, I would never let you go, so

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I need you more this time.

Your happy crystal eyes

like hypnotic melodies mesmerize,

like waterfalls draped in greens,

soothing, bringing out the best in me.

Don’t take your precious time.

Life won’t wait, it’s such a crime

to be without water, when you’re the sunshine.

And even deeper, you’re always on my mind.

So journey with me to our place

where distractions don’t have what it takes

and the road is open wide.

I need you most in my life.

So,

come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I love you, it’s our time.

JH Kind Of View
By: Tyler Ross

One day you wrote me.
Then, you smiled so bright at me.
You were in a daze.
I had you laughing and acting so shy.
You liked me.
You wanted to know me.
We grew closer and were so lost in one another.
I liked you a lot.
Everything became illuminated.
When I saw your face, I melted.
I wanted you to be by my side.
You wanted that too.
So we did again and again.
We kissed in the airport and cried tears of joy.
You surprised me for the holidays.
The best surprise of my life.
We visited each other.
Some times, days were harder than others.
But we always wanted to see the bigger picture.
You came to work and to be with me for a long while.
It wasn't always easy given some troubles in my life and your issues too.
You got better and stronger for a time to try and help me.
I may haven't have showed it too much, but inside I was realizing the progress you were making and seeing more beauty bloom inside you.
You left to go back home and I struggle day in and day out.
Not a day goes by where I don't NOT wish that I was with you.
You're always on my mind.
I've poured my heart, mind and life into you.
I hope you still see me as the only man you want to grow older with and share a world so vast full of life ahead.
I miss you.
My head is swimming.
My heart is pushing its heavy depression.
I hope my trust isn't abused and I hope you know how much we've got to lose.
Wherever you are today, I'm thinking of you.
As I lay down in bed, still very in love with you.
I drift to sleep dreaming everything will continue to come true.

Killing In The Name Of Love

By: Tyler Ross

I killed again.

I took another human soul and buried it

beyond the hopeless

world between love and death.

Does such a world exist

or have I been misled to believe?

There is a lagging and leeching feeling

of importance to me

to not hurt another,

but I have

and then,

I was left

with this

a year and a half

later…

“Loving you was

the most

exquisite form

of self

destruction.”

I killed her,

broke her spirit,

and there is

nothing I can do.

So I sit and wonder.

Will she ever recover

that sense of self again?

I loved.

She loved harder.

She fought.
I fought.

She fought harder.

We argued.

Day in, day out.

I couldn’t breathe.

Maybe it was me?

Maybe it was more her?

Now, I can’t tell the difference.

Today.

She has a cat.

She has her family.

She has her friends.

She has medication,

but she doesn’t seem okay.

Still to this day.

Is it not right to reflect on your past?

We were friends.

We loved.

We grew.

We shared our lives.

But all is left is this overwhelming feeling

of loss and pain and

destruction.

One day one of us will die first

and that’s it.

Will she be okay?

I can only fucking hope.

It’s pretty brutal how living with this

pain,

slowly killing me,
and crushing me for killing

to where I feel the cycle of

‘what goes around, comes around’

is striking me down,

down into the ground.

I killed again.
And I feel eternally punished.

I’m sorry

I killed

in the name of love.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be

the beautiful person you saw in me.

I wish I could take away your pain.

Abby was her name.

My Heart Is In Chemnitz

My Heart Is In Chemnitz

By: Tyler Ross

She makes the sun insecure by the way she glows.

chemically charging,

cosmically radiant, love grows and flows.

Day in and out,

her laugh, that smile

infectiously the most beautiful

graced with the coolest style.

She massages my heart with her mind

the most special of all-time.

She is home,

my best friend,

a one of a kind.

Many miles separate us for now, 

but our bond flourishes more.

She is the only heaven I believe in,

the only sea I wanna sail in for.

Forevermore.

Love > Test

Love > Test
By: Tyler Ross

I remember being alone
and how cold it felt inside.
The chill creeping in rapidly
numbing everything around me,
except that awful freezing,
starving for attention.
Everyone seemed a threat,
as my mind lost control.
Anti-trust.
I swallowed it whole.
Where does a damaged soul find solace
inside a ball of growing confusion,
freezing all that's becoming a mess?
I don't want this
to hurt me anymore,
the human I desire
and feel to be the best.
Why is love such a test?

Hypocritical Human Pointing Fingers

Hypocritical Human Pointing Fingers
By: Tyler Ross

It's okay for one thing, but not the other,
for you.
Standing on your soapbox,
today it's the Internet,
only your point of view.
Somedays, you band together
and to spread more hate,
what's wrong with you?

Where is your open heart?
Can you be a negative reducer?
I guess not.
Your brain ignites your burning tongue
spreading more hurt,
reducing everyone.

You wear those shoes too
given the opportunity.
You just refuse to see,
those stones you cast
only add more negative unity.

I see so many quick to judge,
then apologize later.
The likes of you
don't see anything greater beyond yourself,
even if the roles were reversed.
I wish I could help.

Where are the ones
helping to pull those who've fallen?
In those times of need,
sometimes it's not about what happened,
but about the recovery.
Everyone could use a pick-me-up,
a real friend.
Someone that will boost positivity
and stand by you to the end.

We could all use a little more help,
less spreading filth.

Burning Desire

Burning Desire
By: Tyler Ross

For me, its been months and months.
Truth be told,
I still miss you and think about you often.
But I know that don't mean much to you.
I have cold feet, an eager heart
and uncontrollable thoughts circulating
my seemingly damaged brain.
Some thoughts are pleasant,
while others are misdirecting and delusional.
No excuses to be made, just stating
the truth.
You understood a lot of me.
You digested most of my pain.
I am more than thankful for you
and the time you gave me,
put up with me
and still,
had a heart so loving toward me,
not seeing it any other way.
Before I jetted physically
and mentally -
unsure completely as to why my psyche was changing.
Without much time apart,
you were gone.
Understandably, your saddened heart could only deal
with the absence in me so long.
Time will only tell what becomes of this...
this strange mutating void between two humans,
where love survived happily and willingly to catapult
into every aspect of our lives.
This alien feeling keeps me awake.
I don't dream about much.
I'm in constant confliction with my actions.
It's hard to talk without getting yelled at,
but I understand.
I have to try and understand.
I do miss you.
I miss where we were at.
But try and understand,
I can't seem to shake these feelings
fucking my world where I loved,
not allowing me to enjoy the simple life,
the simple life where things were equal
and desire lived in our blood.
I wished you understood.

Unofficial Agenda

She 

always kept him safe

in that place when she was all alone.

She loved two,
even when 

she called one her home.

Daydreams

Daydreams
By: Tyler Ross

Water bubbles suction to my window
           like snails do cement.
One by one,
        sliding down under a shy sun.
I follow with my eyes
              and ponder meeting love again.
I'm ready,
      and more awake than ever.

Ultimate

Ultimate

By: Tyler Ross

Focus your love

into my pillowed eyes.

And embrace my hands,

while I kiss your heart

forever.

Melt me again with another infectious smile.

I’m ready

for the world

we imagine

and discuss

everyday

to sweep us up

into fruition.

Caged Bird Screams

Caged Bird Screams
By: Tyler Ross

In come the strings playing to my heart
No symphony appears, no other melodies
I'm neither here nor far

From the brink of breaking from these tears
A boundless jail cell of stellar memories spilling hope
like our dreams to fly together, forever

now ending in fear from clipped wings.

My coat is blue and core is bursting in two
An alka seltzer submitted sparked fuse
A squawking frustrated lonely abuse

Hunger pains for her sun’s rays
Melancholy’s tune, a loss sputtering out of control
Falling and swallowing the cold, but forever in love

this cage bird still sings…

Boom!

The Shoot To Ladder Mausoleum

The Shoot To Ladder Mausoleum
By: Tyler Ross

Love for you was always hard to front
Made it hard for me to ever want
A close connection to you
I never realized that you only tried your best to help me
There’s so much independence, I’ve grown to see
Hundreds of miles and closer you came to be
A man who tried his best to be free

What you see is not what’s always there
No matter how hard you focus your stare
One more word can kill you
It helped me realize that you only tried your best to help me
There’s so much independence, I’ve grown to see
Hundreds of miles and closer you came to be
A man who tried his best to be free

Now, why did I let my guard down?
Most of the time we shared, you weren’t there
And how do we gain for lost time now?
We grow closer in age, our time saved
Father and Son, we can smile to the grave
Smile to the grave
We’ve got to smile to the grave

Love Hurts

Love Hurts
By: Tyler Ross

Love hurts, so I’ll tell you straight
no fabrications in this debate
a subtle get together, the first date
a moment of sparks, which ultimately escalate
I warn you now, run while you still have you
soon enough you’ll feel depressed without a clue
attempts at learning as much as you can
retaining information and being a gentleman
taking pictures and memories that will eventually sting
from the eyes to the heart to the words she couldn’t sing
love hurts and it drains you like a drug
you become addicted to the feeling or even the common hug
it has you thinking like a madman
the pondering thoughts that enter your mind
you swear she’s lying to you
because you believed you were special like one-of-a-kind
consumed by the busy, all the time ticks on
one moment you were in love and the next, love was gone
you begin to finally move on or so you think
you step to a counter and order an unforgettable coffee drink
the feeling of being substituted ruins its delicious taste
your friends become like birds chirping, “she can be replaced.”
Love hurts and it carries such a heavy anchor
your ship can get sunken by a better invested gamer
word to the wise, run while you still have you
your heart will still be intact and not shattered in two
I wish I could go back to when I was in front of you
I would have asked please be serious in what you do
invested energy with a cut off source of power
love hurts when you continue to waste it on the cowards
I smile at love and wish it good luck
love hurts when you miss it this much
I smile at love and only hope it returns again
I’m caught in this trap of love I want to win
years of dedication and the efforts show
uncomplainingly waiting to give it another go