Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

Re-Learning To Love Thy Self: A.P.C. Part 2

by: Tyler Ross

Still figuring out how to love myself.

I try to look deep down

and there’s a sadness 

affecting my health.

I know it’s there.

Love lost because I decided to

tear at my heart

Dared to part

with the warmest I’ve known

from my life’s start.

I fucking ruined what I had

because I was scared of my new home.

The sweetest love.

Ready, aimed and soared above

the unknown

out of my mind

and away from the ultimate love possibilities.

Accepted and protected,

I was.

Lost my second chance all because

I had it all and I dropped the biggest ball 

one can get in this life.

I feel antsy almost every night.

Tight in my chest and in my mind, 

alright?

You don’t leave my mental site.

And that’s all right.

I’ve tried and you always seem to be 

the brightest light. 

I’m still so far, 

so far from being.

From loving me again.

So I can fully love again.

Okay? 

I was wrong. So wrong.

You were right.

It’s time to say…

Good night. 

My own hell, I set.

I’ve still got so much regret.

Stuck in a life full of inner hurting debt.

Gambled. Lost it all the day I jet.

I’ve still got so much regret. 

I'M SO SORRY!

Back in time to the day we met.

Rewrite the day I left.

A.P.C.

A.P.C.
By: Tyler Ross

Rapidly darting around inside my head,
are the thoughts of you.
Heavy with feeling,
I don't feel well.
I want to cry.
Seeing your life blossom
with love and bliss is beautiful,
yet I am asking myself why.
Why the hurt inside?
Why the shame?
You're gonna be a mum soon.
Nothing will be the same.
Only the greatest gain.
Something inside my brain
wants to add torturous bricks to my shoulders
and I feel like I'm under water.
Dying to breathe.
Dying to make this all go away.
I'm haunted by my thoughts,
the memories of you.
The things I wished were different.
The things I wish I didn't do.
I was younger and somewhat without a clue.
Who knew I'd be so blue,
while the Earth rotates on
and I turned into an outsider
watching you go on
to be the best mum,
girlfriend,
and a more lovely human being,
who grew up and proved me wrong.
I'll bury my head in tears to City & Colour
- "Casey's Song."

Killing In The Name Of Love

By: Tyler Ross

I killed again.

I took another human soul and buried it

beyond the hopeless

world between love and death.

Does such a world exist

or have I been misled to believe?

There is a lagging and leeching feeling

of importance to me

to not hurt another,

but I have

and then,

I was left

with this

a year and a half

later…

“Loving you was

the most

exquisite form

of self

destruction.”

I killed her,

broke her spirit,

and there is

nothing I can do.

So I sit and wonder.

Will she ever recover

that sense of self again?

I loved.

She loved harder.

She fought.
I fought.

She fought harder.

We argued.

Day in, day out.

I couldn’t breathe.

Maybe it was me?

Maybe it was more her?

Now, I can’t tell the difference.

Today.

She has a cat.

She has her family.

She has her friends.

She has medication,

but she doesn’t seem okay.

Still to this day.

Is it not right to reflect on your past?

We were friends.

We loved.

We grew.

We shared our lives.

But all is left is this overwhelming feeling

of loss and pain and

destruction.

One day one of us will die first

and that’s it.

Will she be okay?

I can only fucking hope.

It’s pretty brutal how living with this

pain,

slowly killing me,
and crushing me for killing

to where I feel the cycle of

‘what goes around, comes around’

is striking me down,

down into the ground.

I killed again.
And I feel eternally punished.

I’m sorry

I killed

in the name of love.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be

the beautiful person you saw in me.

I wish I could take away your pain.

Abby was her name.

Burning Desire

Burning Desire
By: Tyler Ross

For me, its been months and months.
Truth be told,
I still miss you and think about you often.
But I know that don't mean much to you.
I have cold feet, an eager heart
and uncontrollable thoughts circulating
my seemingly damaged brain.
Some thoughts are pleasant,
while others are misdirecting and delusional.
No excuses to be made, just stating
the truth.
You understood a lot of me.
You digested most of my pain.
I am more than thankful for you
and the time you gave me,
put up with me
and still,
had a heart so loving toward me,
not seeing it any other way.
Before I jetted physically
and mentally -
unsure completely as to why my psyche was changing.
Without much time apart,
you were gone.
Understandably, your saddened heart could only deal
with the absence in me so long.
Time will only tell what becomes of this...
this strange mutating void between two humans,
where love survived happily and willingly to catapult
into every aspect of our lives.
This alien feeling keeps me awake.
I don't dream about much.
I'm in constant confliction with my actions.
It's hard to talk without getting yelled at,
but I understand.
I have to try and understand.
I do miss you.
I miss where we were at.
But try and understand,
I can't seem to shake these feelings
fucking my world where I loved,
not allowing me to enjoy the simple life,
the simple life where things were equal
and desire lived in our blood.
I wished you understood.