But Still I...

But Still I...
By: Tyler Ross

Nowadays I take long hot showers

staring into nothingness. 

Hoping the little water beams can reach

my wounded heart. 

I’ve done my part. 

And been a really good man. 

But we watch me suffer. 

A month goes by, 

an even better man than before. 

But we watch me suffer. 

I pour my heart. 

Reaching to pull me out of the drowning world

now which I live in but I am left in.

The water gets slightly warmer. 

My thoughts numb.

Almost hopeless. 

Never would I allow someone to go through this. 

Someone in which I’ve committed to loving most. 

It’s been maybe 40 minutes. 

Wasted water. 

Energy low. 

I want to come out of invisibility. 

A way to your heart and mind again. 

Be of high importance. 

I am worried. 

I am scared. 

No answers. 

No emotions really to show I’m still there. 

The shower stops. 

I towel myself off. 

I step out fresh. 

The day may show me I’m wrong. 

Show me I’m not on the end of what we were. 

I think of me being shown love again. 

The day moves on. 

More days move on. 

Not much changes. 

I hope. 

I love. 

I don’t understand. 

You’ve got it so perfect. 

But still we watch me suffer.

As You Are

As You Are

By: Tyler Ross

I’ll take you for a drive.

Like raindrops fall from raincoats;

like whispers leaving lips,

slowly away from fear of expectations.

I’ll be your guiding light,

a heartbeat to keep you safe at night.

Trust me as we lead,

to that place we used to meet

full of smiles filled with clarity.

To the rocket ship painted in dreams,

that was left for just you and me.

So come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Even if life could, I would never let you go, so

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I need you more this time.

Your happy crystal eyes

like hypnotic melodies mesmerize,

like waterfalls draped in greens,

soothing, bringing out the best in me.

Don’t take your precious time.

Life won’t wait, it’s such a crime

to be without water, when you’re the sunshine.

And even deeper, you’re always on my mind.

So journey with me to our place

where distractions don’t have what it takes

and the road is open wide.

I need you most in my life.

So,

come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.

Don’t sweat it,
it’s more than a visit.

I need you

like the Earth needs the moon.

I need you to come home soon.

Please come with me I’ll buy you the ticket.
Don’t sweat it,

it’s more than a commitment.

I need you

to stay with me not just visit.

I love you, it’s our time.

Josi Hoffmann

Josi Hoffmann,

You are the definition of dazzling,
inside your core to the outer parts,
mesmerizing full of desire, galore.
You take my breath away,
cliche as it sounds, my world lights up bright
when you are around. My best friend,
partner and my hero everyday.
I only see a future where our Love blooms
until we're old and gray.
My favorite human,
I Love you more and more.
The world is ours, just you and me, I look forward
to the adventures in life we'll explore.
Some days can be hard, but you're worth it, day-in
day-out because I realize a life without you,
isn't a life I can picture without.
You're a beam of warm rays, shining intelligence,
wisdom and guidance everyday.
You keep me grounded when I want to rebel, you know
SOA? You know how to sooth my soul, okay?
Your smile and your eyes are the greatest combination
I've ever known, infectiously heart-melting, I even smile
thinking about them when I'm alone.
Baybeh,
your impact on my life has changed mine for the better,
changing me for the best, I know.
I am thankful for you
each day and how much you continue to help me grow.
Never enough thanks and appreciation can be given,
it's true.
I am the luckiest man alive, happily in love with you.


I wrote this for Josi back on January 27th, 2015
and even re-reading it bring my eyes to a glassy and leaking look.
This girl kills me in the best of ways, even if we haven't had the best day together.
Never have I felt so in love with a human that she can make me so love sick.

JH Kind Of View
By: Tyler Ross

One day you wrote me.
Then, you smiled so bright at me.
You were in a daze.
I had you laughing and acting so shy.
You liked me.
You wanted to know me.
We grew closer and were so lost in one another.
I liked you a lot.
Everything became illuminated.
When I saw your face, I melted.
I wanted you to be by my side.
You wanted that too.
So we did again and again.
We kissed in the airport and cried tears of joy.
You surprised me for the holidays.
The best surprise of my life.
We visited each other.
Some times, days were harder than others.
But we always wanted to see the bigger picture.
You came to work and to be with me for a long while.
It wasn't always easy given some troubles in my life and your issues too.
You got better and stronger for a time to try and help me.
I may haven't have showed it too much, but inside I was realizing the progress you were making and seeing more beauty bloom inside you.
You left to go back home and I struggle day in and day out.
Not a day goes by where I don't NOT wish that I was with you.
You're always on my mind.
I've poured my heart, mind and life into you.
I hope you still see me as the only man you want to grow older with and share a world so vast full of life ahead.
I miss you.
My head is swimming.
My heart is pushing its heavy depression.
I hope my trust isn't abused and I hope you know how much we've got to lose.
Wherever you are today, I'm thinking of you.
As I lay down in bed, still very in love with you.
I drift to sleep dreaming everything will continue to come true.

Killing In The Name Of Love

By: Tyler Ross

I killed again.

I took another human soul and buried it

beyond the hopeless

world between love and death.

Does such a world exist

or have I been misled to believe?

There is a lagging and leeching feeling

of importance to me

to not hurt another,

but I have

and then,

I was left

with this

a year and a half

later…

“Loving you was

the most

exquisite form

of self

destruction.”

I killed her,

broke her spirit,

and there is

nothing I can do.

So I sit and wonder.

Will she ever recover

that sense of self again?

I loved.

She loved harder.

She fought.
I fought.

She fought harder.

We argued.

Day in, day out.

I couldn’t breathe.

Maybe it was me?

Maybe it was more her?

Now, I can’t tell the difference.

Today.

She has a cat.

She has her family.

She has her friends.

She has medication,

but she doesn’t seem okay.

Still to this day.

Is it not right to reflect on your past?

We were friends.

We loved.

We grew.

We shared our lives.

But all is left is this overwhelming feeling

of loss and pain and

destruction.

One day one of us will die first

and that’s it.

Will she be okay?

I can only fucking hope.

It’s pretty brutal how living with this

pain,

slowly killing me,
and crushing me for killing

to where I feel the cycle of

‘what goes around, comes around’

is striking me down,

down into the ground.

I killed again.
And I feel eternally punished.

I’m sorry

I killed

in the name of love.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be

the beautiful person you saw in me.

I wish I could take away your pain.

Abby was her name.